Now that the year is almost over.. I can’t help but admit that I Hate riverside. Don’t get me wrong, I love the school, and I love the people I met. However, the distance from home is a big problem.
The thing about living in Riverside, less than an hour away from home, is that you’re too close for your friends to miss you, yet, you’re too far to be included in events. People may think it’s the best of both worlds, but it’s not. I don’t know what home is anymore.
My friends back home also moved on. They’ve gotten so close to each other, I don’t even feel that special connection we used to have. and every time I’m with them, they share so many inside jokes and memories that I feel isolated. So many goals & promises were made before college, and, one-by-one, each one of those goals and promises are broken. It’s the little things. “I’ll come visit you in Riverside sometimes.” Yeah right. You would travel 2.5 hours to San Diego to go to a lame party, but you wouldn’t travel 45 minutes to visit me?
I am honestly scared. The people who I thought I knew are now strangers to me. The people who i would call my best friends haven’t talked to me in ages. The people who i would jump in front of a truck for are just people to me now. I don’t know them like I used to. I blame Riverside for this. Therefore, I hate Riverside. I hate it here so much.
I have changed.
I used to go out every week, sometimes even more than once or twice. But lately, not so much anymore. I don’t like being around people. I consider myself antisocial now. Alcohol only makes it worse. I go through these weird phases where I would hate life & everyone in it to severely depressed.
The more time I dragged myself to face the world, the more I hate myself. It’s getting to the point where I would force myself to cry to sleep. &Lately, I’ve been thinking of things that I never thought I would think.
I’m also beginning to shut people out, just like how they shut me out. honestly, if it wasn’t for school and the people I am forced to live with, I’d probably be in bed for most of my day.
I’m not the same girl I used to be. I rarely even smile anymore. The Christina everyone knew is now gone forever. She is gone.
things are just not the same anymore.
I’m never invited anywhere anymore. It feels like I am out on my circles of friends. I have too many “TFTI” moments. How is it that you guys always forget to invite me? And it’s not once or twice.. it’s ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME.
This is the last straw. I’m not going to try anymore. It’s not worth my time, energy, and effort.
-waiting for my roommate to fall asleep so that i can change the time.
-putting ketchup packages under the guys’ toilet seats
-EYES EYES EYES EVERYWHERE
-post-it notes invasion
-stealing Cy’s ID card to invade his room
-hiding in closets
After tonight, I feel so blessed to have met the greatest group of friends at UC Riverside. These people made room in their busy schedule to hang out with me. They made me laugh in so many different ways. They had to deal with me not because they want to, but because they have to. They’ve seen me at my worst, and still love me for who I am. They will never leave me behind. They listen to all the shit I have to deal with, and give me tips and advices.
I couldn’t be happier.
I swear, of all the sickness I’ve been through, this one is the worst one yet. and you know what sucks even more? The fact that it’s finals week.
First of all, I’ve been really tired lately. and i mean REALLY tired. I noticed I’ve been taking a lot more naps now. I took naps between every gap, even between my one hour gap. One time, I told myself to take a nap around 6pm and wake up at 8pm to do homework. But no, I slept through the night and didn’t wake up until 11am. I also remember coming home from a sorority event and slept from 7:30 pm to 3:30 pm the next day. That was 20 freaking hours!
I rarely dream in my sleep, but now I do. and my dreams are becoming more vivid by the night. I remember having a dream about going to Yogurtland and eating $15 worth of yogurt. When I woke up, I was like I NEED YOGURT NOW. Other cravings I had during the week were a bowl of strawberries, an acai bowl, ice cream, McDonald’c McFlurries, a bag of hot cheetos and cream cheese wontons.
Have I tried taking medicine? Yes, I tried prescribed medicine, which doesn’t do shit cuz i’ve been taking that thing for a week and I feel no progress. My roommate bought me NyQuil to help with the sleep because I’ve been complaining about my cloggy noses during the night a lot. It worked perfectly the first day, but somehow not anymore. Everytime I take it, my body burns like hell. Like my throat would burn, then my chest, then my stomach, then my whole body starts to heat up. Is this suppose to happen? I don’t know.
Every morning, I would wake up and cough. However, everytime I cough, I feel like every bone would hurt, especially my hip bone. Also, half of my body would start to feel really numb. For example, half of my hands, my head, and half of my feet. It’s WEIRD.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m stressed or not, but I honestly didn’t have the time to go to the health center at all. I’m catching up on homework I slept through, or sleeping. But Doria is going to the Health Center with me tomorrow, so fingers crossed that I will be alright! :)
-one night, one mistake, a lifetime of regrets
-finals can go suck my dick
-bitches who don’t give a shit when I do
-I s o l a t i o n
-your shit=my shit
-being sick is not making things better
-I miss my TNTT gals
-need to keep my FAITH
-always smile :)